My constant mental state is described by the word in the title. Well, I get an occasional hour or two here and there, for which I am as grateful as I feel they are timely gifts from the Angels. To keep me from doing myself a mischief, as they say across the pond.
It is because I never learned how to interact with people. This is still the case today. I can completely screw up any social situation or interaction with another human being. I can sometimes pull it off but I inevitably ruin it.
If I told of enough examples people would facepalm the flesh off their foreheads. Fortunately for them people rarely let me speak or explain. Which initiates more agony.
People do not realize that folks with mental illness and depression from being forever alone can not just “turn it off” and suddenly be like they are. It simply is not gonna happen no matter how much it is desired. Why? Simple… We don’t know how.
Got no clue as to what to do, what to say, what to feel or how to act. Sorry. It fosters a desire to hide to avoid the invariably rude and sometimes cruel reactions encountered. So, I hide, usually, which is obviously counter to the desire to no longer be alone.
But there are Angels who tender a precious hour here and there. There are not a great number of these hours, but they seem to be timed in perfect sync with the proximity of mental collapse.
Ah well, better it shall not get and I doubt that anyone will ever even read this. Even if I ask them to.